Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
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Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.