Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
my astrological sign is a french fry
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it