Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.