I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I鈥檝e lived my life according to one basic principle
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
What鈥檚 that, Lassie? Where鈥檚 Timmy? The butcher鈥檚? I hope you鈥檙e right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it鈥檚 a duck wearing a funny hat
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn鈥檛 have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
my favouritest X鈥檚, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn鈥檛 let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.