Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

two people or more is called a problem

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.