*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security