(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.