me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.