A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
fixed it
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
The news in a nutshell.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…