A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm