Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.![]()
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?