me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
How is it still this week?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The Punning Dead.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.