me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Webb. James Webb.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?