nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
he looks great for his age
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Sniffing the broccoli
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
What the dentist sees
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy