When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
why would tinder want me to say this
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die