Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
United Steaks of America
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.