9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
You Might Also Like
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
shit just got real
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*ernest hemingway voice*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion