People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter