Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I see your IQ test came back negative
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time