Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.