Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive