Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
So inspired right now.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man