The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
repaired
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
same bro
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
This is a bad sign
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”