[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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How do you milk an almond?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Okay
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Made something I’m not proud of
huge if true: the moon
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.