The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Yes my dude
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.