The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?