The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend