Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.