Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
You Might Also Like
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.