Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Rooting for the overdog
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
*receives text from wife
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.