Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.