cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
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Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The pen is writier than the sword.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
How about I get 100% off by already being there