“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.