“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”