If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Do not levitate over flowers
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes