People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
girls literally only want one thing..
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone