People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

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5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.


911: what is your emergency?


Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend


you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.


I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.


My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!


“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases


Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.