@AbbyHasIssues

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

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@StellaGMaddox

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

@mdob11

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

@detroit_et

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

@Fyrekrakr73

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

@TheBoydP

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

@momofcritters

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

@adrienneMTK

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

@trumpetcake

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.