@StellaGMaddox 5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
@AbbyHasIssues People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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@StellaGMaddox 
@mdob11 911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
@detroit_et Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
@LBelle1 My purse is deeper than some people.
@Fyrekrakr73 you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
@TheBoydP I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
@momofcritters My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
@adrienneMTK “Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
@CrazyLipz United Steaks of America
@trumpetcake Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.