Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Wise advice