[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.