My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
never deleting this app.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.