Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Ugh but profoundly
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.