I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
You Might Also Like
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.