Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I put the p in pants.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.