i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.