some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]