I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*