I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”