Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Rambo Rambow
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?