Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.