Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“what that mouth do?” complain
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.