Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I have two kinds of followers
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
So glad we cleared that up
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes