My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
wow he looks just like him
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.