wow he looks just like him
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I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.