“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*