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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.


I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…


Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?


If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??


I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..


Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.


For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.


Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.