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<—- homeless romantic
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
All generalizations are stupid.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Never let them know your next move 😂
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.