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@amburgklur

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

@LoveRebelRock

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

@Desert_Musings

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@Halbeerz

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

@smiles_and_nods

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

@GrowlyGrego

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

@tylerschmall

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.