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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Interior design 👌
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜