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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.