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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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