I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.