I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.