[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’